The One Where Lauren Is Sick.

So, I've been vaguely mentioning how I have been having some health issues this month...and I mean, we all know I'm not a vague person at all.

Straight to the point here - I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes earlier this week. I've known it could happen for a while now, and to be honest, I didn't do much to prevent it. I felt like "surely this won't happen to me" and I figured I was pretty invincible against it. Turns out, it did happen. Also, spoiler alert: not invincible. 

 Real talk: 

I struggled with wanting to share anything about it because if I'm honest, I'm embarrassed. I'm here because of health choices I made in my life. I am genetically predisposed to it, yes. But I also could have been a healthier person and prevented it from getting to this point. And I didn't. There's already always voices that play in my head about my body as someone who is overweight, but now I feel like I have the disease that seals the deal. I don't feel like a victim, I feel like the attacker of my own body.

The dialogue that has been playing in my head goes like this:

Friend- "Oh you are sick?! I'm so sorry! What's wrong?"

Lauren - "I have type 2 diabetes."

Friend - " like, not really sick. Just fat and unhealthy."

I struggled with wanting to share because I hate being the "sick" person. While this is manageable for the most part, there's some side effects and correlating issues I may deal with over time. I also had just  gotten to the point where I was pretty much using oils/natural methods to heal everything (that hippie lyfffeeeee). Now I'll be taking medication daily for the foreseeable future. And these pills are a doozy. Thank God there's no shots for the time being. 

Real talk: 

I struggled with wanting to share because while I know I need to make lots of health/life changes you know, to like stay alive and such,  I also don't want people being critical about what I eat and how much/how little I'm exercising all the time. That's selfish and stupid and terrible, and I should be truly grateful for the people in my life who would push me to make better choices. I know this. It's just Lauren wanting to be able to do/eat whatever she wants, free of judgement. But then I remember that is kiiiiiind of how I got here. So now I start the process of calculating every single thing I eat. Making sure it's not going to push me to a place my body can't handle. I know I'll eventually get over this, but right now when I look at food - there's ZERO joy. All fear. What I used to love so much is now the enemy. I hate that. Food! How could you betray me like this?

So much drama. I know. It's a lot to take in and process, and while normally I love opening up about stuff I'm learning and going through in life with the general internet, I literally wanted to do nothing but hide in a cave by myself all week and share with no people what was going on. With a whole pizza and pint of ice cream to myself (gotta inject some humor in here guys...). But that pesky little voice called authenticity called me out and said: "Lauren if you're going to share the details of your dating life and spiritual life and all other forms of life on the reg, you can't hide something that is now your new norm. Tell the truth." So here we are. I'm telling you all about my dirty little secret.

Up-side. Diabetes is manageable, and in some cases reversible! A friend told me to think of it as a "side-effect" rather than a disease. I can control how I feel and how my body functions by making good choices. Great! Easy, right? Well, yes and no. For those of you who are naturally healthy and eat well ("oh I don't ever eat fast food" a statement to which I promptly EYE ROLL and then shove my Taco Bell in my mouth) and run like 3 miles a day and love it all...I salute you. I also say that isn't me at all. This is all so new to me. I mean, I guess I always had the intention of "losing weight" and "getting healthy" at some point because I wanted to be a smaller human. Now, I have to make those changes because my life depends on it. It sounds so dramatic when I say it like that, but it's kind of true. Heart disease, liver disease, strokes, nerve damage...the list of things I am now so much more prone to is extensive. I can't get to those places. I need to reverse this and stay alive for a really long time.

So now I begin the part b of this life. The time after my diagnosis. The time where I change lots of stuff in my life. 

I didn't post this for pity or really for any other reason than I couldn't keep it to myself much longer. There is something so isolating in health issues, and while I know I'll be dealing with this on my own for a bit...I also know that I have people who love and care about me that would want to know where I'm at.

So there we go.  

I'm here. Lauren. 27. Type 2 diabetic. And that's that.

Gosh, all that emotional honesty was exhausting. I need a snack.